Friday, October 08, 2004

Weird URLs

Some Sites From the Curio Shop

  • Not Fooling Anybody: Home

    A chronicle of bad storefront conversions.

    The penultimate source for what you need to stop worrying about culture going down the toilet and embrace urban sprawl. I was amazed to find several examples from where I live.

  • The AOLer Translator

    Translate English into12-year-old AOLerese.

    English is becoming a dead language online. The slovenly usage of u, r, y as words shows the downward spiral into gobbledegoop. Now there is help for those who want to type to the less spelling sensetive younger generation.

  • Aliens and UFO's

    Exposing the Unfruitful Works of Darkness! nuff said...

    Pernicious trans-dimensional alien demons are here and they are pissed. They have invaded Earth on a campain of terror and destruction. Beware! These critters are lusting after your eternal soul! ET phone home... TO HELL!

  • Bird Diapers Bird Leashes and Harneses!

    New! Duck, Goose and Chicken Diapers Too!

    Now there is help for those long-suffering legions of incontinent avians around the world. Better modern living through technology. And who said the age of miracles has passed us by?

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Another Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Old Farts at Play on Anything Can Happen Day!

Its Wednesday boys and girls, and we know what that means! it's Anything Can Happen Day! Wednesday nights is the weekly game night for a group of old friends. We have got together nearly every week for the past 25 years to play games. Some of us have know each other since childhood. I have known some of them for 35 years. I have traveled and lived other places but I know that when I return the lost boys is still there.

Loving My Third Childhood

I am proud to say that I am now in my third childhood. In my first time as a child they told me to grow up. In my second childhood they told me to act my age..... But in my third childhood they just throw their arms up in disgust and say I give up.. Passing you the bag of pop rocks and grins...

Sonic Torture Chamber

We were listening to Q-101 at work and the Bad Music Monkey files were of the most amazingly bad performer I had heard since a street ummmmm performer/psychotic named Wild Man Fisher. The featured artist was Shooby Taylor. Shooby was a scat singer who specialised in working his instrument into gospel music. It is a jarring cocktail in the spirit of a lounge lizard rendition of the tune "I Want To be Sedated".

Even though he almost achieved brilliance in his opening of the tune "Why Me Lord?" His cover of the old Judy Garland song "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" would have anyone screaming Surrender dorthy in less time than it took me to type the words. He defines a new previously unknown level of suckage. It's so bad that they need a new word to define it. I'm just glad he never teamed up with Yoko Ono. So without further ado.. I present to you. Shooby Taylor - The Human Horn..

Saturday, October 02, 2004

You Want Fries With That?

I have spent much time wondering how humans are going to survive as a species in what has become an ever increasingly complex world. Here is some more evidence that we may not make it.

I was on the road late at night and needed a break to stretch my legs. Stopping at a truck stop I saw that there was an open Burger King. I stood in line waiting for my turn at the register. I placed an order for some Chicken Tenders. The kid behind the counter grunted and mumbled that it would take a while. I counted out the money and paid him with exact change. Silence decended as I watched the counter droid attempt determine I had given him enough money. He finially, muttered, "I guess that's right."

Then he looked at me and asked "Will that be for here?" To which I said to him "No it will not." He looked at me with a slightly puzzled expression and asked "well then sir, is it to go?" I looked him in the eye and with a smile I asked him, "Is there a third alternative Sparky?" to which he sort of went into a momentary trance, looked at me with that bewildered deer in the headlight look so many minimum wagers get and said "huh?" and shambled off to see if my food had cooled off enough for them to give it to me.

Thursday, September 30, 2004


The Surgeon General has determined:

Large words and ideas may cause existential indigestion, serious anxiety attacks as well as conceptual constipation if taken in too large of a dose. If a cognitive thought process returns, please call your doctor immediately!

First Aid: Watch as much "reality" television as you can. Chronic cases of awareness may require intensive talk show convulsive shock treatments. In some tragic, nearly terminal cases Dr. Phil therapy even failed to sedate the patient.

I don't want to get off on a rant, but...

Ok I was reading another blog on the legally forced changes to public life by connected pathologicly concerned social engineers who will suffer sleepless nights worrying about my safety. I hate anyone telling me what I can or can not do. I am an old fart and I can make my own decisions thank you very much...

Another sure sign that it is time to thin the herd and flush twice is the battle to legislate out of existence anything that is considered harmful by those who think sheep are too bold. The struggle may not be based on malice, but on good intentions of a dimwitted patronizing group of bureaucratic babysitters.

Life for Dummies: chapter 37 p. 352

Part of the problem is we find ourselves in the middle of swarming season for a dangerous life form that is far worse than locusts or cicadas. We are in a plague of a voracious predator. The lawyer is the larval stage of a politician. The adult of the species spins webs to trap food for the larva to live on until it matures until they can run for office.

Another part of the problem is a collective paradigm shift away from the cultural icon of the self reliant Hero to the helpless, hapless, blameless victim. Heros are out of fashion these days, it requires accepting too much responsibility for our own actions for most ethical invertebrates.

I think that is why many have devolved into a new species: Homo Springaroidus. Those who are created to screw up, and then either go on televsion, or to court to show off their level of stupidity. No wonder they try to child proof the world. But that's just My opinion, I may be wrong... I am off to beat My head against a wall if I can find that damn helmet they made me wear.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

In Search of Intelligent Life

I don't want to get off on a rant, but. . .

Is Humanity the dominant lifeform on Earth?

No... I am not talking about that creepy dog telepathy thing that makes us pet them even when we have repeatedly told them to go away.

I mean the largest organism on the planet, generic suburbanite lawns. Look at the maneuvering we get from lawns, we feed them, buy it a drink, cut and comb it's hair. Then they make you Like it. We give and give, and what thanks do we get? Aliens coming to Earth looking for intelligent life would pick the lawn beast over humanity in no time at all.

While mowing the lawn I was struck with an amazing idea. Maybe the experts were wrong about crop circles. Maybe they are just advertisements for an alien landscaping company that was busted down on the road needing some quick cash to make repairs and pay for their constantly growing motel bar tab.

Then I had a sudden moment of angst! What if golf courses read like a declaration of war, or really bad erotica to them? Could we blame it all on malicious adolescent alien taggers defacing the Earth to avoid being zapped?

Ok! slow down there Sparkey... Deep breath... in... out... Maybe I got off on a rant there, maybe I was wrong... But I still withhold judgement till someone plays the rings of Saturn like a compact disc to see what it has to say.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Howdy Campers! Welcome to The Reptile Ranch

I don't want to get off on a rant, but. . .

Listen Sparky Don't Get Me Started.

I seem to have developed a taste for the habit of spouting off about things that are bothering me. So I guess it was time for me to devote a page to storing all of my rants for other people to read and violently disagree with at their leisure.

You want objective? Hah! yeah, right! You want fair? sure you do... Well Spunky, if you are honestly looking for all those things, then you are definately in the wrong place!

Are You Confused Too Sparky?

Does the irony of the human condition just amuse you or send you out to spend all of your money on gallons of bottled water, shotgun shells and canned food?

Do you feel that Murphey was an optimist, and if he had grasped the true scale of the problem he would have been depressed? If you answered yes to both those questions all I have to say is get over yourself. But for the rest of you out there that have a functioning humor gland, welcome. Remember we are all in this mess together.