Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Happy What ever the hell you're celebrating!

Well folks, here we are again another year has passed and the holidays are just around the corner. If you are like me you are ready for the summer, but since my time machine is broken I know that I have to grit the teeth I have left and make the best of this time of year.

The holidays can be tough on everyone, but when going gets tough the tough get going. Here are a few tips to make this season survivable so we can move on to the golden days of summer and some quality watching women in shorts and bikinis time. Let's get busy, grab a beer, some beef jerky, sit back and read on.

  1. Season's Greetings, Many Happy Returns

    I am not a big fan of the holiday season. If you are like me, sending out all those Christmas cards can be a nightmare. The cost of the cards and postage can be a real burden, so just put the intended party's name is the return address, and mail without a stamp from a mailbox away from home

  2. The Look and Scent of Real Wood

    I know many tell you that there is nothing like a real tree for Christmas. But for my money an artificial tree makes sense, you can decorate it once when you get it, then hide it in a closet till next year. If there is any damage to the branches a bit of gloss hunter green krylon spray paint, an old toilet brush, and some duct tape will fix it right up. I find that those pine tree shaped air fresheners are great to use as festive tree decorations. They also give you that pine smell that people always say is missing with a plastic tree.

  3. Waste Not, Want Not

    If you have guests stop by the last thing you want is them to see those "fun with mold" science projects that you have avidly collecting in the refrigerator all these past months. When you are cleaning those old bits of food out of there, You can recycle old sauerkraut by spray painting it silver and use it as tinsel on the Christmas tree, there is nothing like homemade decorations to add warmth to the holidays while doing yout part to save the planet.

  4. Racing Stripes For Fast Paced Living

    During the Holiday season there never seems to be enough time. Rushing around shopping, going to those parties can take it's toll By the time New Years day rolls around I am just about brain-dead, and those things like dressing myself can become a daunting task. I thought long and hard to come up with a way to make things easier. Hopefully this tip will help you avoid a frustrating underwear crisis. Always remember to never, ever use bleach on your underwear, the color coding makes it easier to put on properly when hungover. Just remember yellow to the front, brown to the rear.

  5. Rolling Your Own

    If you are entertaining women over the holidays remember one thing. Women will always use 10 times more toilet paper than any man alive. You don't want to be caught short and have someone use a page out of one of your vintage Playboy magazines. That would be very embarrasing and you might actually want to read that interview for the first time. So carry an empty toilet tissue roll with you when traveling around. That way when you stop at the gas station, bar, bowling alley or nudie club, you can make your own new rolls from those huge king-sized rolls that they keep in the stalls.

  6. A Breath Of Fresh Air

    During the Holidays things can be so hectic you just don't get a chance to shop for a new pair of shoes. The last thing you want is to have your rich Aunt Tilly fall over and have a seizure from the smell leaking out of those old Nikes. This is no brainer to prevent if you plan ahead and buy yourself a couple of hang-up car air fresheners. Just take out the string and slip them into those stinky tennies, and no problem! This is also great for your budget, odoreaters cost at least 3 times as much!

  7. Hors D'oeuvre Anyone?

    So forgot that you have guests coming over. You rush into the kitchen to find your pantry is bare. You are still too hammered to go shopping, and then spend the time it takes preparing snacks for your party. That is when you have to use one of those great time managment tricks. Cater your party by hitting the free happy hour buffet! Just keep drinking the two for one drinks while you fill your plastic bags with all those barbequed cocktail weenies, sausage, cheese, crackers and veggies. Just remember to put the goodies in separate bags, and make sure you grab enough paper plates, plastic forks and napkins too. Bon Apetit!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Scatogastronomy 101

When you look at the Modern Toilet Restaurant you have to wonder about the limits of concept driven restaurant design philosophy. When bathroom cartoon fetish meets restaurant design, things can go into the toilet with amazing rapidity. Personally I think I'll pass on my trip to Taipei for the moment, Christmas is right around the corner and I need the cash to buy the ScuzzCo Salad Tosser.

When the manager Yang Chung-chi says "When you see the food, it does look like feces". I don't need to call Miss Cleo to see there will be a lot of full plates for the busboys to move about. Who knows it might become a trendy place amongst hyper-anorexic models. I wonder if they 'll start using the catch phrase, "The Modern Toilet It's a great place; To Poop On!"

Hard to tell if it's slop or plop at toilet diner

TAIPEI (Reuters Life!) - This Taipei restaurant would consider it a compliment if customers called it an outhouse.

All 100 seats in the crowded Modern Toilet diner are made from toilet bowls, not chairs. Sink faucets and gender-coded "WC" signs appear throughout the three-storey facility, one of 12 in an island-wide chain of excrement-theme eateries.

Customers eat runny fudge-topped sundaes and chicken stews from mini plastic toilet bowls. They wipe their hands and mouths using toilet rolls hung above their tables, which may be glass-topped jumbo bathtubs.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Rap Lyrics Translated

Rap Lyrics Translated: G'bonix to English

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district’s Ebonics translation competition.

  • Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.
  • Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
  • Album: Ready to Die
  • Song: One more chance (remix)

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Al-Queda Link to Squirrel Suicide Attack?

Flaming squirrel ignites car in Bayonne

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff's precognitive gut seemed to have completely missed this brazen act of terror. Reports from informed sources state Rudy Gulianni is busy formulating plan to work this horrific incident into his 9/11 based presidental campaign.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

When Life Imitating Art Goes Bad

Mr. GarrisonLarry Craig

OK, so am I the only one who sees an amazing resemblance here? It reminds me of when Dabney Coleman played a shameless self-promoting pop psychologist in the 1981 movie Modern Problems. His character, Mark Winslow portended the television head-shrinker, Dr. Phil over a decade before he toadied up to Oprah.