Well folks, here we are again another year has passed and the holidays are just around the corner. If you are like me you are ready for the summer, but since my time machine is broken I know that I have to grit the teeth I have left and make the best of this time of year.
The holidays can be tough on everyone, but when going gets tough the tough get going. Here are a few tips to make this season survivable so we can move on to the golden days of summer and some quality watching women in shorts and bikinis time. Let's get busy, grab a beer, some beef jerky, sit back and read on.
Season's Greetings, Many Happy Returns
I am not a big fan of the holiday season. If you are like me, sending out all those Christmas cards can be a nightmare. The cost of the cards and postage can be a real burden, so just put the intended party's name is the return address, and mail without a stamp from a mailbox away from home
The Look and Scent of Real Wood
I know many tell you that there is nothing like a real tree for Christmas. But for my money an artificial tree makes sense, you can decorate it once when you get it, then hide it in a closet till next year. If there is any damage to the branches a bit of gloss hunter green krylon spray paint, an old toilet brush, and some duct tape will fix it right up. I find that those pine tree shaped air fresheners are great to use as festive tree decorations. They also give you that pine smell that people always say is missing with a plastic tree.
Waste Not, Want Not
If you have guests stop by the last thing you want is them to see those "fun with mold" science projects that you have avidly collecting in the refrigerator all these past months. When you are cleaning those old bits of food out of there, You can recycle old sauerkraut by spray painting it silver and use it as tinsel on the Christmas tree, there is nothing like homemade decorations to add warmth to the holidays while doing yout part to save the planet.
Racing Stripes For Fast Paced Living
During the Holiday season there never seems to be enough time. Rushing around shopping, going to those parties can take it's toll By the time New Years day rolls around I am just about brain-dead, and those things like dressing myself can become a daunting task. I thought long and hard to come up with a way to make things easier. Hopefully this tip will help you avoid a frustrating underwear crisis. Always remember to never, ever use bleach on your underwear, the color coding makes it easier to put on properly when hungover. Just remember yellow to the front, brown to the rear.
Rolling Your Own
If you are entertaining women over the holidays remember one thing. Women will always use 10 times more toilet paper than any man alive. You don't want to be caught short and have someone use a page out of one of your vintage Playboy magazines. That would be very embarrasing and you might actually want to read that interview for the first time. So carry an empty toilet tissue roll with you when traveling around. That way when you stop at the gas station, bar, bowling alley or nudie club, you can make your own new rolls from those huge king-sized rolls that they keep in the stalls.
A Breath Of Fresh Air
During the Holidays things can be so hectic you just don't get a chance to shop for a new pair of shoes. The last thing you want is to have your rich Aunt Tilly fall over and have a seizure from the smell leaking out of those old Nikes. This is no brainer to prevent if you plan ahead and buy yourself a couple of hang-up car air fresheners. Just take out the string and slip them into those stinky tennies, and no problem! This is also great for your budget, odoreaters cost at least 3 times as much!
Hors D'oeuvre Anyone?
So forgot that you have guests coming over. You rush into the kitchen to find your pantry is bare. You are still too hammered to go shopping, and then spend the time it takes preparing snacks for your party. That is when you have to use one of those great time managment tricks. Cater your party by hitting the free happy hour buffet! Just keep drinking the two for one drinks while you fill your plastic bags with all those barbequed cocktail weenies, sausage, cheese, crackers and veggies. Just remember to put the goodies in separate bags, and make sure you grab enough paper plates, plastic forks and napkins too. Bon Apetit!