A picture says a Thousand Words

There's Something About Sarah

I had to share this with everyone. Thanks to the happy mutants at Boing Boing. Mad Magazine on Sarah Palin This post was a bit of sunshine on an otherwise dreary day.

Mad Magazine has leaked its satirical Sarah Palin spread to the HuffPo -- a good 'un, too. Exclusive: MAD Magazine's Election Coverage, Sarah Palin Edition

Happy What ever the hell you're celebrating!

Well folks, here we are again another year has passed and the holidays are just around the corner. If you are like me you are ready for the summer, but since my time machine is broken I know that I have to grit the teeth I have left and make the best of this time of year.

The holidays can be tough on everyone, but when going gets tough the tough get going. Here are a few tips to make this season survivable so we can move on to the golden days of summer and some quality watching women in shorts and bikinis time. Let's get busy, grab a beer, some beef jerky, sit back and read on.

478. Season's Greetings, Many Happy Returns

     I am not a big fan of the holiday season. If you are like me, sending out all those Christmas cards can be a nightmare. The cost of the cards and postage can be a real burden, so just put the intended party's name is the return address, and mail without a stamp from a mailbox away from home

479. The Look and Scent of Real Wood

     I know many tell you that there is nothing like a real tree for Christmas. But for my money an artificial tree makes sense, you can decorate it once when you get it, then hide it in a closet till next year. If there is any damage to the branches a bit of gloss hunter green krylon spray paint, an old toilet brush, and some duct tape will fix it right up. I find that those pine tree shaped air fresheners are great to use as festive tree decorations. They also give you that pine smell that people always say is missing with a plastic tree.

480. Waste Not, Want Not

     If you have guests stop by the last thing you want is them to see those "fun with mold" science projects that you have avidly collecting in the refrigerator all these past months. When you are cleaning those old bits of food out of there, You can recycle old sauerkraut by spray painting it silver and use it as tinsel on the Christmas tree, there is nothing like homemade decorations to add warmth to the holidays while doing yout part to save the planet.

481. Racing Stripes For Fast Paced Living

     During the Holiday season there never seems to be enough time. Rushing around shopping, going to those parties can take it's toll By the time New Years day rolls around I am just about brain-dead, and those things like dressing myself can become a daunting task. I thought long and hard to come up with a way to make things easier. Hopefully this tip will help you avoid a frustrating underwear crisis. Always remember to never, ever use bleach on your underwear, the color coding makes it easier to put on properly when hungover. Just remember yellow to the front, brown to the rear.

482. Rolling Your Own

     If you are entertaining women over the holidays remember one thing. Women will always use 10 times more toilet paper than any man alive. You don't want to be caught short and have someone use a page out of one of your vintage Playboy magazines. That would be very embarrasing and you might actually want to read that interview for the first time. So carry an empty toilet tissue roll with you when traveling around. That way when you stop at the gas station, bar, bowling alley or nudie club, you can make your own new rolls from those huge king-sized rolls that they keep in the stalls.

483. A Breath Of Fresh Air

     During the Holidays things can be so hectic you just don't get a chance to shop for a new pair of shoes. The last thing you want is to have your rich Aunt Tilly fall over and have a seizure from the smell leaking out of those old Nikes. This is no brainer to prevent if you plan ahead and buy yourself a couple of hang-up car air fresheners. Just take out the string and slip them into those stinky tennies, and no problem! This is also great for your budget, odoreaters cost at least 3 times as much!

484. Hors D'oeuvre Anyone?

     So forgot that you have guests coming over. You rush into the kitchen to find your pantry is bare. You are still too hammered to go shopping, and then spend the time it takes preparing snacks for your party. That is when you have to use one of those great time managment tricks. Cater your party by hitting the free happy hour buffet! Just keep drinking the two for one drinks while you fill your plastic bags with all those barbequed cocktail weenies, sausage, cheese, crackers and veggies. Just remember to put the goodies in separate bags, and make sure you grab enough paper plates, plastic forks and napkins too. Bon Apetit!

Scatogastronomy 101

When you look at the Modern Toilet Restaurant you have to wonder about the limits of concept driven restaurant design philosophy. When bathroom cartoon fetish meets restaurant design, things can go into the toilet with amazing rapidity. Personally I think I'll pass on my trip to Taipei for the moment, Christmas is right around the corner and I need the cash to buy the ScuzzCo Salad Tosser.

When the manager Yang Chung-chi says "When you see the food, it does look like feces". I don't need to call Miss Cleo to see there will be a lot of full plates for the busboys to move about. Who knows it might become a trendy place amongst hyper-anorexic models. I wonder if they 'll start using the catch phrase, "The Modern Toilet It's a great place; To Poop On!"

Hard to tell if it's slop or plop at toilet diner

TAIPEI (Reuters Life!) - This Taipei restaurant would consider it a compliment if customers called it an outhouse.

All 100 seats in the crowded Modern Toilet diner are made from toilet bowls, not chairs. Sink faucets and gender-coded "WC" signs appear throughout the three-storey facility, one of 12 in an island-wide chain of excrement-theme eateries.

Customers eat runny fudge-topped sundaes and chicken stews from mini plastic toilet bowls. They wipe their hands and mouths using toilet rolls hung above their tables, which may be glass-topped jumbo bathtubs.

Rap Lyrics Translated

Rap Lyrics Translated: G'bonix to English

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district’s Ebonics translation competition.

• Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.
• Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
• Album: Ready to Die
• Song: One more chance (remix)

Al-Queda Link to Squirrel Suicide Attack?

Flaming squirrel ignites car in Bayonne

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff's precognitive gut seemed to have completely missed this brazen act of terror. Reports from informed sources state Rudy Gulianni is busy formulating plan to work this horrific incident into his 9/11 based presidental campaign.

When Life Imitating Art Goes Bad

OK, so am I the only one who sees an amazing resemblance here? It reminds me of when Dabney Coleman played a shameless self-promoting pop psychologist in the 1981 movie Modern Problems. His character, Mark Winslow portended the television head-shrinker, Dr. Phil over a decade before he toadied up to Oprah.

Would You Like Havarti With Those Freedom Fries?

Well it looks like the world now knows the sinister power of cartoons. When will it end? How long can the world survive such comedy? When will they get a grip and take a decaff minute? Sheeeesh I remember when people thought it was harsh when the crowd threw rotten fruit at you when you bombed. Now when you bomb they bomb you back.

Embassies have been torched, several people have died, ignorance flows from all corners—all for a few cartoons less intelligible than your average “Cathy” strip. Welcome to the new medievalism.

The Revecess Blog :: Batoen: Dragon Quest Battle Pencils!

This appeals to the gamemaker in me. A covert game played by japanese students. A simple elegent system where their pencils become the dice and character piece.

The rules are pretty simple. Your character starts out with 100 hit points (this is written on the pencil, so some characters might have more or less). You can play with 2-4 players. Start off by doing rock-paper-scissors. Winner rolls his pencil first. Then you do what it says on the side that faces up. Usually this is 'miss' or 'everyone takes 50 damage.' But it can also target certain types. Each pencil has a star or a circle band. So sometimes it will say, 'all circle banded characters take 40 damage.' Sometimes, the monster has special abilities. Like, 'roll one more time, and use the effects below' where there will be a different set of abilities. As you can guess, if you lose all your hit points, you are out. Generally, after you roll, it is the other guy's turn. When you gain hit points, you are capped off at 100.

Good Taste is Timeless

Eat Hufu - The Healthy Human Flesh Alternative!

Bon Appetit!

I was playing around and tried the link for I'm too sensetive for this site and I was whisked away to here After enduring that horror, a Hufu taco sounded pretty damn good.

Just Don't Read it Out Loud

The Necronomicon Project

This hellish, Lovecraftian tome is actually a print-and-fold papercraft project you can assemble at home. If you dare.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn, y'all.

Ummmmm Ok... Boo!

H A P P Y H A L L O W E E N from The Whitehouse

Ok call me old fashioned but enough is enough! Halloween has slipped into the cultural sargasso sea of Hallmark inanity. Next thing you know some clown in an ad agency will be churning out concept sketches for a holiday mascot to give consumers that warm and fuzzy feeling as they open their wallets. I can see it now, maybe a lovable scarecrow... no wait they did it as a movie series already... Though I wonder what sort of welcome trick or treaters would get from the Secret Service.

Soup? Art? Flummery?

The Guardian: Paris revolts over morbid artwork

I confess I am flummoxed! It used to be easy to tell the productive nutcases from the slackers who were too far gone to hunt down a good agent and go for the gravy. Sometimes Art imitates life... and sometimes it just imitates Elvis.

Ok so this guy had more issues than National Geographic. But at least as far as we know he was not Francophonic Hannibal Lector. I think I heard some of the lines before during a reading at a Chicago coffeehouse called Kill the Poets. Ain'tit Joe was a walking stream of unconsciousness. A nonstop monologue that blasted all logic and artsy posery on it's ass. Even the spooky poetess chick in the black deathsuit had to stop contemplating her impending suicide and scratch her head in incomprehension. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm zen...

More Weird Science

Patently Silly :: Apparatus for Determining Dog's Emotions By Vocal Analysis of Barking Sounds and Method for the Same

Ok! I can see this person never owned by a dog. If he had owned one, Albert would know most dogs have little trouble laying their tawdry emotional baggage on you. Who needs a machine to know a dog is hungry... Dogs are always hungry, deal with it. That's their job, dogs eat all the food that lands near them and lick their crotch until they fall asleep on the sofa. I know most people would call that a full and happy life...

Who knows this could be the start of a horrifying wave of Stepford Hounds. Maybe the next step is turning the barks and growls iinto english so the world is safe for cheap bodice-ripper novels. It's a dog's life any way you look at it.

How About a Game of RPS - 15 ?

I was reading over at the Exploding Ardvark and I found a link to the following madness. Thanks Banshee!

Now here's a game for people with way too much time on their hands and a rainman like ability to remember who beats what and how. Warning! Abuse of this game may cause Repetetive Stress Injuries.

Power-dressing man leaves trail of destruction

Fri Sep 16,10:30 AM ET

Here is a shocking story from Down-Under that I thought I'd share it with you campers. I wonder if they put similarly dressed men on treadmills and wired them up to a power grid if they could be a viable alternative energy source. It has to work better than the squirrel cage dynamo.

SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian man built up a 40,000-volt charge of static electricity in his clothes as he walked, leaving a trail of scorched carpet and molten plastic and forcing firefighters to evacuate a building.

Frank Clewer, who was wearing a woolen shirt and a synthetic nylon jacket, was oblivious to the growing electrical current that was building up as his clothes rubbed together.

When he walked into a building in the country town of Warrnambool in the southern state of Victoria Thursday, the electrical charge ignited the carpet.

"It sounded almost like a firecracker," Clewer told Australian radio Friday.

"Within about five minutes, the carpet started to erupt."

Employees, unsure of the cause of the mysterious burning smell, telephoned firefighters who evacuated the building.

"There were several scorch marks in the carpet, and we could hear a cracking noise -- a bit like a whip -- both inside and outside the building," said fire official Henry Barton.

Firefighters cut electricity to the building thinking the burns might have been caused by a power surge.

Clewer, who after leaving the building discovered he had scorched a piece of plastic on the floor of his car, returned to seek help from the firefighters.

"We tested his clothes with a static electricity field meter and measured a current of 40,000 volts, which is one step shy of spontaneous combustion, where his clothes would have self-ignited," Barton said.

"I've been firefighting for over 35 years and I've never come across anything like this," he said.

Firefighters took possession of Clewer's jacket and stored it in the courtyard of the fire station, where it continued to give off a strong electrical current.

David Gosden, a senior lecturer in electrical engineering at Sydney University, told Reuters that for a static electricity charge to ignite a carpet, conditions had to be perfect.

"Static electricity is a similar mechanism to lightning, where you have clouds rubbing together and then a spark generated by very dry air above them," said Gosden

Cellphone Hell

I may be wrong but I think cellphones are the steaming turds of satan! This seemingly benign device has eroded public manners and personal privacy. It has brought about a culture based on the ideal of free range rudeness. Do you really want to hear about someone's visit to the proctologist while trying to eat lunch? Where is the cone of silence from "Get Smart" when we really need it? The worst offenders are the people with the infernal walkie-talkie Not only do you get to hear the schmuck bellowing unimportant information to another moron. Now you get the honor of hearing the moron on the other end bellow too!

Cellphone users remind me of those seriously disturbed people one used to see wandering in the park yammering into the air while gesticulating wildly. It is a retreat into a nonrelational space while in public. It is as if the world is not real, only what comes through that piece of plastic has any reality to these poor addicts.

Now to my horror I have discovered this pernicious sickness is spreading across species. There is a company that markets a collar for pets that allows you to put a cellphone on the animal. The age of miracles has not passed! Now you can talk to fluffy any time and anywhere. Sheeesh does that idea reek of terminal affluenza.

Excuse me, I am off to beat my head against the wall. What in the hell was I thinking?

Steve, Don't Eat It!

The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.

Let me give a word of explaination. Men are on a quest for weird food. We will try anything no matter how revolting, in fact the stranger the better is our motto. When we see a ancient dusty jar of something like pickled chicken gizzards on the supermarket shelf, we take it as a challenge. A rite of passage to true manliness.

This is a howlingly funny chronicle of one man's journey into the bowels of the kingdom of bad tastes. Bon apetit!

The Great TP Crisis of 2005

Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com

Once upon a time in Finland, a little bunny was hopping through the snow. The young rabbit was romping merrily and not paying attention. Suddenly he crashed into a Polarbear hunkered down over a log.

The little fellow was so shocked to see the fierce bear there in front of him that he froze with fright. He did not know what to do or say.

The bear looked at the bunny and said in a deep low voice that shook the branches. "Do not be afraid little fellow. I want to ask you a question and then you may be on your way. Tell me little rabbit. Does shit stick to your fur?"

The little fellow burst into a grin and his eyes grew wide with delight as he answers the bear. "No, kind and wise old bear. I have personally never had to deal with that problem."

"Good! then this should not bother you." chortled the bear as he wiped his ass with the rabbit before wandering off happily humming a tune.

Free at Last

Boing Boing: Chicago's Bean sculpture is free to photograph, at last

Citizen... step slowly away from that giant mirrored metal bean. We are the Photogrphy Police! Freeze and put down that camera and nobody will get hurt. Thank you for obeying all copyright laws while visiting our park and have a nice day.