Would You Like Havarti With Those Freedom Fries?

Well it looks like the world now knows the sinister power of cartoons. When will it end? How long can the world survive such comedy? When will they get a grip and take a decaff minute? Sheeeesh I remember when people thought it was harsh when the crowd threw rotten fruit at you when you bombed. Now when you bomb they bomb you back.

Embassies have been torched, several people have died, ignorance flows from all corners—all for a few cartoons less intelligible than your average “Cathy” strip. Welcome to the new medievalism.

The Revecess Blog :: Batoen: Dragon Quest Battle Pencils!

This appeals to the gamemaker in me. A covert game played by japanese students. A simple elegent system where their pencils become the dice and character piece.

The rules are pretty simple. Your character starts out with 100 hit points (this is written on the pencil, so some characters might have more or less). You can play with 2-4 players. Start off by doing rock-paper-scissors. Winner rolls his pencil first. Then you do what it says on the side that faces up. Usually this is 'miss' or 'everyone takes 50 damage.' But it can also target certain types. Each pencil has a star or a circle band. So sometimes it will say, 'all circle banded characters take 40 damage.' Sometimes, the monster has special abilities. Like, 'roll one more time, and use the effects below' where there will be a different set of abilities. As you can guess, if you lose all your hit points, you are out. Generally, after you roll, it is the other guy's turn. When you gain hit points, you are capped off at 100.

Good Taste is Timeless

Eat Hufu - The Healthy Human Flesh Alternative!

Bon Appetit!

I was playing around and tried the link for I'm too sensetive for this site and I was whisked away to here After enduring that horror, a Hufu taco sounded pretty damn good.

Just Don't Read it Out Loud

The Necronomicon Project

This hellish, Lovecraftian tome is actually a print-and-fold papercraft project you can assemble at home. If you dare.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn, y'all.

Ummmmm Ok... Boo!

H A P P Y H A L L O W E E N from The Whitehouse

Ok call me old fashioned but enough is enough! Halloween has slipped into the cultural sargasso sea of Hallmark inanity. Next thing you know some clown in an ad agency will be churning out concept sketches for a holiday mascot to give consumers that warm and fuzzy feeling as they open their wallets. I can see it now, maybe a lovable scarecrow... no wait they did it as a movie series already... Though I wonder what sort of welcome trick or treaters would get from the Secret Service.

Soup? Art? Flummery?

The Guardian: Paris revolts over morbid artwork

I confess I am flummoxed! It used to be easy to tell the productive nutcases from the slackers who were too far gone to hunt down a good agent and go for the gravy. Sometimes Art imitates life... and sometimes it just imitates Elvis.

Ok so this guy had more issues than National Geographic. But at least as far as we know he was not Francophonic Hannibal Lector. I think I heard some of the lines before during a reading at a Chicago coffeehouse called Kill the Poets. Ain'tit Joe was a walking stream of unconsciousness. A nonstop monologue that blasted all logic and artsy posery on it's ass. Even the spooky poetess chick in the black deathsuit had to stop contemplating her impending suicide and scratch her head in incomprehension. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm zen...

More Weird Science

Patently Silly :: Apparatus for Determining Dog's Emotions By Vocal Analysis of Barking Sounds and Method for the Same

Ok! I can see this person never owned by a dog. If he had owned one, Albert would know most dogs have little trouble laying their tawdry emotional baggage on you. Who needs a machine to know a dog is hungry... Dogs are always hungry, deal with it. That's their job, dogs eat all the food that lands near them and lick their crotch until they fall asleep on the sofa. I know most people would call that a full and happy life...

Who knows this could be the start of a horrifying wave of Stepford Hounds. Maybe the next step is turning the barks and growls iinto english so the world is safe for cheap bodice-ripper novels. It's a dog's life any way you look at it.

How About a Game of RPS - 15 ?

I was reading over at the Exploding Ardvark and I found a link to the following madness. Thanks Banshee!

Now here's a game for people with way too much time on their hands and a rainman like ability to remember who beats what and how. Warning! Abuse of this game may cause Repetetive Stress Injuries.

Power-dressing man leaves trail of destruction

Fri Sep 16,10:30 AM ET

Here is a shocking story from Down-Under that I thought I'd share it with you campers. I wonder if they put similarly dressed men on treadmills and wired them up to a power grid if they could be a viable alternative energy source. It has to work better than the squirrel cage dynamo.

SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian man built up a 40,000-volt charge of static electricity in his clothes as he walked, leaving a trail of scorched carpet and molten plastic and forcing firefighters to evacuate a building.

Frank Clewer, who was wearing a woolen shirt and a synthetic nylon jacket, was oblivious to the growing electrical current that was building up as his clothes rubbed together.

When he walked into a building in the country town of Warrnambool in the southern state of Victoria Thursday, the electrical charge ignited the carpet.

"It sounded almost like a firecracker," Clewer told Australian radio Friday.

"Within about five minutes, the carpet started to erupt."

Employees, unsure of the cause of the mysterious burning smell, telephoned firefighters who evacuated the building.

"There were several scorch marks in the carpet, and we could hear a cracking noise -- a bit like a whip -- both inside and outside the building," said fire official Henry Barton.

Firefighters cut electricity to the building thinking the burns might have been caused by a power surge.

Clewer, who after leaving the building discovered he had scorched a piece of plastic on the floor of his car, returned to seek help from the firefighters.

"We tested his clothes with a static electricity field meter and measured a current of 40,000 volts, which is one step shy of spontaneous combustion, where his clothes would have self-ignited," Barton said.

"I've been firefighting for over 35 years and I've never come across anything like this," he said.

Firefighters took possession of Clewer's jacket and stored it in the courtyard of the fire station, where it continued to give off a strong electrical current.

David Gosden, a senior lecturer in electrical engineering at Sydney University, told Reuters that for a static electricity charge to ignite a carpet, conditions had to be perfect.

"Static electricity is a similar mechanism to lightning, where you have clouds rubbing together and then a spark generated by very dry air above them," said Gosden

Cellphone Hell

I may be wrong but I think cellphones are the steaming turds of satan! This seemingly benign device has eroded public manners and personal privacy. It has brought about a culture based on the ideal of free range rudeness. Do you really want to hear about someone's visit to the proctologist while trying to eat lunch? Where is the cone of silence from "Get Smart" when we really need it? The worst offenders are the people with the infernal walkie-talkie Not only do you get to hear the schmuck bellowing unimportant information to another moron. Now you get the honor of hearing the moron on the other end bellow too!

Cellphone users remind me of those seriously disturbed people one used to see wandering in the park yammering into the air while gesticulating wildly. It is a retreat into a nonrelational space while in public. It is as if the world is not real, only what comes through that piece of plastic has any reality to these poor addicts.

Now to my horror I have discovered this pernicious sickness is spreading across species. There is a company that markets a collar for pets that allows you to put a cellphone on the animal. The age of miracles has not passed! Now you can talk to fluffy any time and anywhere. Sheeesh does that idea reek of terminal affluenza.

Excuse me, I am off to beat my head against the wall. What in the hell was I thinking?

Steve, Don't Eat It!

The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.

Let me give a word of explaination. Men are on a quest for weird food. We will try anything no matter how revolting, in fact the stranger the better is our motto. When we see a ancient dusty jar of something like pickled chicken gizzards on the supermarket shelf, we take it as a challenge. A rite of passage to true manliness.

This is a howlingly funny chronicle of one man's journey into the bowels of the kingdom of bad tastes. Bon apetit!

The Great TP Crisis of 2005

Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com

Once upon a time in Finland, a little bunny was hopping through the snow. The young rabbit was romping merrily and not paying attention. Suddenly he crashed into a Polarbear hunkered down over a log.

The little fellow was so shocked to see the fierce bear there in front of him that he froze with fright. He did not know what to do or say.

The bear looked at the bunny and said in a deep low voice that shook the branches. "Do not be afraid little fellow. I want to ask you a question and then you may be on your way. Tell me little rabbit. Does shit stick to your fur?"

The little fellow burst into a grin and his eyes grew wide with delight as he answers the bear. "No, kind and wise old bear. I have personally never had to deal with that problem."

"Good! then this should not bother you." chortled the bear as he wiped his ass with the rabbit before wandering off happily humming a tune.

Free at Last

Boing Boing: Chicago's Bean sculpture is free to photograph, at last

Citizen... step slowly away from that giant mirrored metal bean. We are the Photogrphy Police! Freeze and put down that camera and nobody will get hurt. Thank you for obeying all copyright laws while visiting our park and have a nice day.

Great Boggamighty! May the Farce be with You

The Force is a Tool of Satan - Episode III ALERT!

Fanatics are the funniest people. This is definately a sign we are entering the Silly Season.

Wendy's finger given by man to settle debt

Wendy's finger given by man to settle debt - Yahoo! News

Giving Wendy's The Finger

Man Settles Debt with Severed Finger

Ok! It now looks like the strange case of the human finger in the bowl of Wendy's chili has taken another turn. This one brings a whole new meaning to the term "pound of flesh".

Anna Ayala had claimed she found part of a human finger in a bowl of chili. Needless to say it did upset more than some people's digestive process. It appears that she got caught... My first question was: where did she get the finger?

She is in jail awaiting trial on attempted grand theft charges for the millions of dollars Wendy's International Inc. lost as a result of the negative publicity after her claim.She is also charged with conspiracy to present a false or fraudulent insurance claim. If convicted of all charges, she faces a maximum penalty of nine years and eight months in state prison.

The San Francisco Chronicle reported Brian Paul Rossiter, 36, of Las Vegas seems to have had a run of bad luck. Serious money problems, due to the loss of part of a finger in an accident at work provided the one crucial piece of the hoax.

Rossiter lost part of a finger when his hand got caught in a truck lift in December at the paving company where he worked with Anna Ayala's husband. Rossiter gave the finger to the husband of Anna Ayala to settle a $50 debt, the newspaper said.

Happy Belated Mother's Day

A Happy Ending Dog Story

Here was an article that caught my attention today. I'm not too keen on excessive sentimentality but this did bring an ironic smile to these old lips. Nothing like unconditional love of a true mother, no matter what the species may be. The dog's actions speaks so much more eloquently to what some call the virtues of humanity than the baby's biological mother's actions ever did.

Stray Dog Saves Abandoned Baby

NAIROBI, Kenya - A newborn baby abandoned in a Kenyan forest was saved by a stray dog who apparently carried her across a busy road and through a barbed wire fence to a shed where the infant was discovered nestled with a litter of puppies, witnesses said Monday.

Weird URLs

Some Sites From the Curio Shop

• Not Fooling Anybody: Home

  A chronicle of bad storefront conversions.

  The penultimate source for what you need to stop worrying about culture going down the toilet and embrace urban sprawl. I was amazed to find several examples from where I live.

• The AOLer Translator

  Translate English into12-year-old AOLerese.

  English is becoming a dead language online. The slovenly usage of u, r, y as words shows the downward spiral into gobbledegoop. Now there is help for those who want to type to the less spelling sensetive younger generation.

• Aliens and UFO's

  Exposing the Unfruitful Works of Darkness! nuff said...

  Pernicious trans-dimensional alien demons are here and they are pissed. They have invaded Earth on a campain of terror and destruction. Beware! These critters are lusting after your eternal soul! ET phone home... TO HELL!

• Bird Diapers Bird Leashes and Harneses!

  New! Duck, Goose and Chicken Diapers Too!

  Now there is help for those long-suffering legions of incontinent avians around the world. Better modern living through technology. And who said the age of miracles has passed us by?

Another Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Old Farts at Play on Anything Can Happen Day!

Its Wednesday boys and girls, and we know what that means! it's Anything Can Happen Day! Wednesday nights is the weekly game night for a group of old friends. We have got together nearly every week for the past 25 years to play games. Some of us have know each other since childhood. I have known some of them for 35 years. I have traveled and lived other places but I know that when I return the lost boys is still there.

Loving My Third Childhood

I am proud to say that I am now in my third childhood. In my first time as a child they told me to grow up. In my second childhood they told me to act my age..... But in my third childhood they just throw their arms up in disgust and say I give up.. Passing you the bag of pop rocks and grins...

Sonic Torture Chamber

We were listening to Q-101 at work and the Bad Music Monkey files were of the most amazingly bad performer I had heard since a street ummmmm performer/psychotic named Wild Man Fisher. The featured artist was Shooby Taylor. Shooby was a scat singer who specialised in working his instrument into gospel music. It is a jarring cocktail in the spirit of a lounge lizard rendition of the tune "I Want To be Sedated".

Even though he almost achieved brilliance in his opening of the tune "Why Me Lord?" His cover of the old Judy Garland song "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" would have anyone screaming Surrender dorthy in less time than it took me to type the words. He defines a new previously unknown level of suckage. It's so bad that they need a new word to define it. I'm just glad he never teamed up with Yoko Ono. So without further ado.. I present to you. Shooby Taylor - The Human Horn..

You Want Fries With That?

I have spent much time wondering how humans are going to survive as a species in what has become an ever increasingly complex world. Here is some more evidence that we may not make it.

I was on the road late at night and needed a break to stretch my legs. Stopping at a truck stop I saw that there was an open Burger King. I stood in line waiting for my turn at the register. I placed an order for some Chicken Tenders. The kid behind the counter grunted and mumbled that it would take a while. I counted out the money and paid him with exact change. Silence decended as I watched the counter droid attempt determine I had given him enough money. He finially, muttered, "I guess that's right."

Then he looked at me and asked "Will that be for here?" To which I said to him "No it will not." He looked at me with a slightly puzzled expression and asked "well then sir, is it to go?" I looked him in the eye and with a smile I asked him, "Is there a third alternative Sparky?" to which he sort of went into a momentary trance, looked at me with that bewildered deer in the headlight look so many minimum wagers get and said "huh?" and shambled off to see if my food had cooled off enough for them to give it to me.

Warning!

The Surgeon General has determined:

Large words and ideas may cause existential indigestion, serious anxiety attacks as well as conceptual constipation if taken in too large of a dose. If a cognitive thought process returns, please call your doctor immediately!

First Aid: Watch as much "reality" television as you can. Chronic cases of awareness may require intensive talk show convulsive shock treatments. In some tragic, nearly terminal cases Dr. Phil therapy even failed to sedate the patient.

I don't want to get off on a rant, but...

Ok I was reading another blog on the legally forced changes to public life by connected pathologicly concerned social engineers who will suffer sleepless nights worrying about my safety. I hate anyone telling me what I can or can not do. I am an old fart and I can make my own decisions thank you very much...

Another sure sign that it is time to thin the herd and flush twice is the battle to legislate out of existence anything that is considered harmful by those who think sheep are too bold. The struggle may not be based on malice, but on good intentions of a dimwitted patronizing group of bureaucratic babysitters.

Life for Dummies: chapter 37 p. 352

Part of the problem is we find ourselves in the middle of swarming season for a dangerous life form that is far worse than locusts or cicadas. We are in a plague of a voracious predator. The lawyer is the larval stage of a politician. The adult of the species spins webs to trap food for the larva to live on until it matures until they can run for office.

Another part of the problem is a collective paradigm shift away from the cultural icon of the self reliant Hero to the helpless, hapless, blameless victim. Heros are out of fashion these days, it requires accepting too much responsibility for our own actions for most ethical invertebrates.

I think that is why many have devolved into a new species: Homo Springaroidus. Those who are created to screw up, and then either go on televsion, or to court to show off their level of stupidity. No wonder they try to child proof the world. But that's just My opinion, I may be wrong... I am off to beat My head against a wall if I can find that damn helmet they made me wear.