Capt'n Willy's Reptile Ranch

The Age of Miracles Has Not Passed

2011-10-28T05:22:00.000-07:00

Caffeine You Can Breathe | Flyby | The Harvard Crimson

What? Seriously? If you are so tired you can't lift a coffee cup perhaps it's time for a nap Sparky! Previously I have posted about bacon air so the idea of people buying an inhaler that dispenses caffeine is not that much of a stretch. There seems to be a big need for every day consumables that wire you to the point you grind your teeth instead of getting off your ass and stop texting and going to sleep.

If everything predicted in science fiction came true, by now we'd all be riding around in our personal hovercrafts, vacationing on Mars, and taking a pill instead of eating three meals a day. Biomedical Engineering Professor David A. Edwards' new invention sounds like it's moving us one step closer ...

So Funny it's Scarey!

2011-10-28T05:12:00.000-07:00

The 30-Second Bunnies Theater Library

Angry Alien Productions: 30-Second Bunnies Theatre and other cartoons.... in which a troupe of bunnies parodies a collection of movies by re-enacting them in 30 seconds, more or less..

Let's face facts, nobody has the time or attention span to watch long marathon viewing of our movie favorites. We have lives and shit to do! But There is a solution to this modern problem. Angry Alien Productions has distilled all those favorite films down into 30 second doses we can gobble up like an all you can eat shrimp buffet. This site is the motherlode of whackiness.

For your Halloween viewing pleasure see 30 Days of Night, Alien, The Birds, Evil Dead II, The Exorcist, Freaks, and Freddy vs. Jason.

The selection includes: Back to the Future, The Big Chill, Borat, Brokeback Mountain, Caddyshack, Casablanca, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, A Clockwork Orange, Die Hard, Fight Club, Gone With the Wind, and Goodfellas.

Lithuanian Men's Day Race Inflates Male Self Esteem

2011-06-03T03:19:00.000-07:00

Men in Lithuania took to the water with sex dolls in a race to mark “National Men's Day”. The inflatable dolls were used as “rafts”, and made for a sight on the Neris river in the capital Vilnius. While “National Men's Day” is not officially recognized in Lithuania, organizer of the race, radio program director Mindaugas Stasiulis said an online survey showed that men in Lithuania felt the need to have a day dedicated to them.

“We did a survey on the internet and all voters said that they needed to celebrate such a day. Therefore, today a race between men swimming on inflatable dolls on the river, the 'Barracuda 2011' is to be held, and we will see who will be the fastest,” he said before the race started.

Only 20 men out of the 200 who registered to take part in the event, were chosen to take part in the 220 kilometer race. The mood of those who did not make the cut frustrated and their race partners were best describe as feeling seriously deflated.

Liudas Pestininkas was the first to cross the finish line, accompanied by his inflatable doll “Vaida”. When asked about his doll he stated: “Vaida was a very good girl, and only listens to me. She is cool. Other participants don't have dolls as cool as mine”.

Elvis Saves Memphis From The Zombie Horde

2011-05-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

That was not what happened but it sounded good.

I was drinking my morning coffee and watching the morning news when there was a report on a zombie parade which took place in Memphis Tennessee yesterday. After checking my supply of shotgun shells, can goods chain mail anti shark bite suit, steel gauntlets, helmet and Kevlar athletic cup, I calmed down and searched Da Google To my horror I discovered this has been going on around the world for many years now (Now laugh at me when I am on a soapbox telling all who will listen about the conspiracy surrounding the coming Zombie Apocalypse. I mean... really! Why else would they invent peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in a can?)

Oh, what the hell was I thinking? It looks like it was a food drive to help feed tornado victims. Always a good cause and a good way to get a dry run avoiding zombie mob without losing your parts in the coming future. Whew I have talked myself down from the ledge and ready do whatever in the hell I was going to do before I frightened myself.

Zombie walk

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A zombie walk (also known as a zombie mob, zombie march, zombie horde, zombie lurch, zombie shamble, zombie shuffle or zombie crawl) is an organized public gathering of people who dress up in zombie costumes. Usually taking place in an urban center, the participants make their way around the city streets and through shopping malls to a public space (or a series of taverns in the case of a zombie pub crawl) in a somewhat orderly fashion.

Attack of the Killer Watermelons

2011-05-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

I was watching a local news program and saw this story. It was too weird to go without comment.

The bad news is field after field of watermelons are exploding on farms in eastern China. So far, the exploding watermelons have been localized around Danyang City in China's Jiangsui province. The good news is China has taken the lead in the development of weaponized fruit. It appears to be a case of overuse of the growth chemical forchlorfenuron. The melons were exploding in a cloud of flying pips, pink pulp and shards of rind. An investigation has been launched to find the exact cause of this fruity mayhem, however Gallagher was unavailable for comment, just stating he had an alibi.

About 20 farmers around Danyang city in Jiangsu province were affected, losing up to 115 acres (45 hectares) of melon. A CCTV report described the watermelons as "land mines" and said they were exploding by the acre (hectare) in the Danyang area.

You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up

2011-04-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

The 11 best unintentionally sexual church signs. [from someecards.com]

These inadvertently erotic billboards spotted outside various places of worship look like the work of some extremely naive — or severely repressed — church employees. Luckily, those of us who've already double-stamped our tickets to Hell are physically incapable of overlooking a dick joke. Here are some of our favorite cases of "That's what He said." Let us know if you've seen any others. (Via Reddit, Holy Taco, other places)

Bacon Air?!?!?

2011-04-05T05:37:00.000-07:00

Wow the perfect gift for that baconholic in your life. I agree when they state "Everything should taste like bacon". However This may be a bridge too far.I can see a future of strung out bacon-huffers at freeway entrance ramps with signs reading "I'LL WORK FOR BACON!"

Description

Three years ago, we made a much healthier bacon delivery mechanism called Bacon Salt. It’s a zero calorie, zero fat, vegetarian, kosher and low sodium seasoning that makes everything taste like bacon –to many, it was Bacon 2.0.

Since then, our team of research scientists has been working hard on making the next leap to Bacon 3.0. We started with an intense brainstorming and ideation session with some of the foremost minds in science, technology, nutrition, sports, marketing and the arts. The questions during this all-day session were open-ended and thought-provoking, such as:

How can we use bacon to help people lead healthier lives?

Why is bacon so delicious?

How can bacon be used to promote world peace?

Can bacon be used as an alternative fuel source?

What if bacon was lighter than air?

It was that last question that got the dialogue really going and led to another seemingly ridiculous question – what if bacon was air? After all, oxygen is the most important nutrient to the cells in your body, and plays an integral role in almost every bodily function. And bacon is the most delicious of meats.

Was combining these two elements possible or even advisable? Fortunately, the answer was yes on both counts. Studies have shown that inhaling pure oxygen can boost energy, fight disease, increase mental focus, enhance sexual and/or sports performance, and increase mental alertness as well as save lives. After all, you can live for weeks without food or days without water, but only a few minutes without oxygen.

A picture says a Thousand Words

2008-09-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

There's Something About Sarah

2008-09-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

I had to share this with everyone. Thanks to the happy mutants at Boing Boing. Mad Magazine on Sarah Palin This post was a bit of sunshine on an otherwise dreary day.

Mad Magazine has leaked its satirical Sarah Palin spread to the HuffPo -- a good 'un, too. Exclusive: MAD Magazine's Election Coverage, Sarah Palin Edition

Happy What ever the hell you're celebrating!

2007-12-11T17:33:00.001-08:00

Well folks, here we are again another year has passed and the holidays are just around the corner. If you are like me you are ready for the summer, but since my time machine is broken I know that I have to grit the teeth I have left and make the best of this time of year.

The holidays can be tough on everyone, but when going gets tough the tough get going. Here are a few tips to make this season survivable so we can move on to the golden days of summer and some quality watching women in shorts and bikinis time. Let's get busy, grab a beer, some beef jerky, sit back and read on.

Season's Greetings, Many Happy Returns
I am not a big fan of the holiday season. If you are like me, sending out all those Christmas cards can be a nightmare. The cost of the cards and postage can be a real burden, so just put the intended party's name is the return address, and mail without a stamp from a mailbox away from home
The Look and Scent of Real Wood
I know many tell you that there is nothing like a real tree for Christmas. But for my money an artificial tree makes sense, you can decorate it once when you get it, then hide it in a closet till next year. If there is any damage to the branches a bit of gloss hunter green krylon spray paint, an old toilet brush, and some duct tape will fix it right up. I find that those pine tree shaped air fresheners are great to use as festive tree decorations. They also give you that pine smell that people always say is missing with a plastic tree.
Waste Not, Want Not
If you have guests stop by the last thing you want is them to see those "fun with mold" science projects that you have avidly collecting in the refrigerator all these past months. When you are cleaning those old bits of food out of there, You can recycle old sauerkraut by spray painting it silver and use it as tinsel on the Christmas tree, there is nothing like homemade decorations to add warmth to the holidays while doing yout part to save the planet.
Racing Stripes For Fast Paced Living
During the Holiday season there never seems to be enough time. Rushing around shopping, going to those parties can take it's toll By the time New Years day rolls around I am just about brain-dead, and those things like dressing myself can become a daunting task. I thought long and hard to come up with a way to make things easier. Hopefully this tip will help you avoid a frustrating underwear crisis. Always remember to never, ever use bleach on your underwear, the color coding makes it easier to put on properly when hungover. Just remember yellow to the front, brown to the rear.
Rolling Your Own
If you are entertaining women over the holidays remember one thing. Women will always use 10 times more toilet paper than any man alive. You don't want to be caught short and have someone use a page out of one of your vintage Playboy magazines. That would be very embarrasing and you might actually want to read that interview for the first time. So carry an empty toilet tissue roll with you when traveling around. That way when you stop at the gas station, bar, bowling alley or nudie club, you can make your own new rolls from those huge king-sized rolls that they keep in the stalls.
A Breath Of Fresh Air
During the Holidays things can be so hectic you just don't get a chance to shop for a new pair of shoes. The last thing you want is to have your rich Aunt Tilly fall over and have a seizure from the smell leaking out of those old Nikes. This is no brainer to prevent if you plan ahead and buy yourself a couple of hang-up car air fresheners. Just take out the string and slip them into those stinky tennies, and no problem! This is also great for your budget, odoreaters cost at least 3 times as much!
Hors D'oeuvre Anyone?
So forgot that you have guests coming over. You rush into the kitchen to find your pantry is bare. You are still too hammered to go shopping, and then spend the time it takes preparing snacks for your party. That is when you have to use one of those great time managment tricks. Cater your party by hitting the free happy hour buffet! Just keep drinking the two for one drinks while you fill your plastic bags with all those barbequed cocktail weenies, sausage, cheese, crackers and veggies. Just remember to put the goodies in separate bags, and make sure you grab enough paper plates, plastic forks and napkins too. Bon Apetit!

Scatogastronomy 101

2007-11-14T19:06:00.000-08:00

When you look at the Modern Toilet Restaurant you have to wonder about the limits of concept driven restaurant design philosophy. When bathroom cartoon fetish meets restaurant design, things can go into the toilet with amazing rapidity. Personally I think I'll pass on my trip to Taipei for the moment, Christmas is right around the corner and I need the cash to buy the ScuzzCo Salad Tosser.

When the manager Yang Chung-chi says "When you see the food, it does look like feces". I don't need to call Miss Cleo to see there will be a lot of full plates for the busboys to move about. Who knows it might become a trendy place amongst hyper-anorexic models. I wonder if they 'll start using the catch phrase, "The Modern Toilet It's a great place; To Poop On!"

Hard to tell if it's slop or plop at toilet diner

TAIPEI (Reuters Life!) - This Taipei restaurant would consider it a compliment if customers called it an outhouse.

All 100 seats in the crowded Modern Toilet diner are made from toilet bowls, not chairs. Sink faucets and gender-coded "WC" signs appear throughout the three-storey facility, one of 12 in an island-wide chain of excrement-theme eateries.

Customers eat runny fudge-topped sundaes and chicken stews from mini plastic toilet bowls. They wipe their hands and mouths using toilet rolls hung above their tables, which may be glass-topped jumbo bathtubs.

Rap Lyrics Translated

2007-11-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

Rap Lyrics Translated: G'bonix to English

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district’s Ebonics translation competition.

Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.
Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Ready to Die
Song: One more chance (remix)

Al-Queda Link to Squirrel Suicide Attack?

2007-10-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

Flaming squirrel ignites car in Bayonne

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff's precognitive gut seemed to have completely missed this brazen act of terror. Reports from informed sources state Rudy Gulianni is busy formulating plan to work this horrific incident into his 9/11 based presidental campaign.

When Life Imitating Art Goes Bad

2007-10-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

OK, so am I the only one who sees an amazing resemblance here? It reminds me of when Dabney Coleman played a shameless self-promoting pop psychologist in the 1981 movie Modern Problems. His character, Mark Winslow portended the television head-shrinker, Dr. Phil over a decade before he toadied up to Oprah.

Would You Like Havarti With Those Freedom Fries?

2006-02-09T20:23:00.000-08:00

Well it looks like the world now knows the sinister power of cartoons. When will it end? How long can the world survive such comedy? When will they get a grip and take a decaff minute? Sheeeesh I remember when people thought it was harsh when the crowd threw rotten fruit at you when you bombed. Now when you bomb they bomb you back.

Embassies have been torched, several people have died, ignorance flows from all corners—all for a few cartoons less intelligible than your average “Cathy” strip. Welcome to the new medievalism.

The Revecess Blog :: Batoen: Dragon Quest Battle Pencils!

2005-12-09T00:56:00.000-08:00

This appeals to the gamemaker in me. A covert game played by japanese students. A simple elegent system where their pencils become the dice and character piece.

The rules are pretty simple. Your character starts out with 100 hit points (this is written on the pencil, so some characters might have more or less). You can play with 2-4 players. Start off by doing rock-paper-scissors. Winner rolls his pencil first. Then you do what it says on the side that faces up. Usually this is 'miss' or 'everyone takes 50 damage.' But it can also target certain types. Each pencil has a star or a circle band. So sometimes it will say, 'all circle banded characters take 40 damage.' Sometimes, the monster has special abilities. Like, 'roll one more time, and use the effects below' where there will be a different set of abilities. As you can guess, if you lose all your hit points, you are out. Generally, after you roll, it is the other guy's turn. When you gain hit points, you are capped off at 100.

Good Taste is Timeless

2005-10-29T00:10:00.000-07:00

Eat Hufu - The Healthy Human Flesh Alternative!

Bon Appetit!

I was playing around and tried the link for I'm too sensetive for this site and I was whisked away to here After enduring that horror, a Hufu taco sounded pretty damn good.

Just Don't Read it Out Loud

2005-10-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

The Necronomicon Project

This hellish, Lovecraftian tome is actually a print-and-fold papercraft project you can assemble at home. If you dare.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn, y'all.

Ummmmm Ok... Boo!

2005-10-27T02:53:00.000-07:00

H A P P Y H A L L O W E E N from The Whitehouse

Ok call me old fashioned but enough is enough! Halloween has slipped into the cultural sargasso sea of Hallmark inanity. Next thing you know some clown in an ad agency will be churning out concept sketches for a holiday mascot to give consumers that warm and fuzzy feeling as they open their wallets. I can see it now, maybe a lovable scarecrow... no wait they did it as a movie series already... Though I wonder what sort of welcome trick or treaters would get from the Secret Service.

Soup? Art? Flummery?

2005-10-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

The Guardian: Paris revolts over morbid artwork

I confess I am flummoxed! It used to be easy to tell the productive nutcases from the slackers who were too far gone to hunt down a good agent and go for the gravy. Sometimes Art imitates life... and sometimes it just imitates Elvis.

Ok so this guy had more issues than National Geographic. But at least as far as we know he was not Francophonic Hannibal Lector. I think I heard some of the lines before during a reading at a Chicago coffeehouse called Kill the Poets. Ain'tit Joe was a walking stream of unconsciousness. A nonstop monologue that blasted all logic and artsy posery on it's ass. Even the spooky poetess chick in the black deathsuit had to stop contemplating her impending suicide and scratch her head in incomprehension. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm zen...

More Weird Science

2005-10-05T02:51:00.000-07:00

Patently Silly :: Apparatus for Determining Dog's Emotions By Vocal Analysis of Barking Sounds and Method for the Same

Ok! I can see this person never owned by a dog. If he had owned one, Albert would know most dogs have little trouble laying their tawdry emotional baggage on you. Who needs a machine to know a dog is hungry... Dogs are always hungry, deal with it. That's their job, dogs eat all the food that lands near them and lick their crotch until they fall asleep on the sofa. I know most people would call that a full and happy life...

Who knows this could be the start of a horrifying wave of Stepford Hounds. Maybe the next step is turning the barks and growls iinto english so the world is safe for cheap bodice-ripper novels. It's a dog's life any way you look at it.

How About a Game of RPS - 15 ?

2005-09-27T01:14:00.000-07:00

I was reading over at the Exploding Ardvark and I found a link to the following madness. Thanks Banshee!

Now here's a game for people with way too much time on their hands and a rainman like ability to remember who beats what and how. Warning! Abuse of this game may cause Repetetive Stress Injuries.

Power-dressing man leaves trail of destruction

2005-09-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

Fri Sep 16,10:30 AM ET

Here is a shocking story from Down-Under that I thought I'd share it with you campers. I wonder if they put similarly dressed men on treadmills and wired them up to a power grid if they could be a viable alternative energy source. It has to work better than the squirrel cage dynamo.

SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian man built up a 40,000-volt charge of static electricity in his clothes as he walked, leaving a trail of scorched carpet and molten plastic and forcing firefighters to evacuate a building.

Frank Clewer, who was wearing a woolen shirt and a synthetic nylon jacket, was oblivious to the growing electrical current that was building up as his clothes rubbed together.

When he walked into a building in the country town of Warrnambool in the southern state of Victoria Thursday, the electrical charge ignited the carpet.

"It sounded almost like a firecracker," Clewer told Australian radio Friday.

"Within about five minutes, the carpet started to erupt."

Employees, unsure of the cause of the mysterious burning smell, telephoned firefighters who evacuated the building.

"There were several scorch marks in the carpet, and we could hear a cracking noise -- a bit like a whip -- both inside and outside the building," said fire official Henry Barton.

Firefighters cut electricity to the building thinking the burns might have been caused by a power surge.

Clewer, who after leaving the building discovered he had scorched a piece of plastic on the floor of his car, returned to seek help from the firefighters.

"We tested his clothes with a static electricity field meter and measured a current of 40,000 volts, which is one step shy of spontaneous combustion, where his clothes would have self-ignited," Barton said.

"I've been firefighting for over 35 years and I've never come across anything like this," he said.

Firefighters took possession of Clewer's jacket and stored it in the courtyard of the fire station, where it continued to give off a strong electrical current.

David Gosden, a senior lecturer in electrical engineering at Sydney University, told Reuters that for a static electricity charge to ignite a carpet, conditions had to be perfect.

"Static electricity is a similar mechanism to lightning, where you have clouds rubbing together and then a spark generated by very dry air above them," said Gosden

Cellphone Hell

2005-07-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

I may be wrong but I think cellphones are the steaming turds of satan! This seemingly benign device has eroded public manners and personal privacy. It has brought about a culture based on the ideal of free range rudeness. Do you really want to hear about someone's visit to the proctologist while trying to eat lunch? Where is the cone of silence from "Get Smart" when we really need it? The worst offenders are the people with the infernal walkie-talkie Not only do you get to hear the schmuck bellowing unimportant information to another moron. Now you get the honor of hearing the moron on the other end bellow too!

Cellphone users remind me of those seriously disturbed people one used to see wandering in the park yammering into the air while gesticulating wildly. It is a retreat into a nonrelational space while in public. It is as if the world is not real, only what comes through that piece of plastic has any reality to these poor addicts.

Now to my horror I have discovered this pernicious sickness is spreading across species. There is a company that markets a collar for pets that allows you to put a cellphone on the animal. The age of miracles has not passed! Now you can talk to fluffy any time and anywhere. Sheeesh does that idea reek of terminal affluenza.

Excuse me, I am off to beat my head against the wall. What in the hell was I thinking?

Steve, Don't Eat It!

2005-07-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.

Let me give a word of explaination. Men are on a quest for weird food. We will try anything no matter how revolting, in fact the stranger the better is our motto. When we see a ancient dusty jar of something like pickled chicken gizzards on the supermarket shelf, we take it as a challenge. A rite of passage to true manliness.

This is a howlingly funny chronicle of one man's journey into the bowels of the kingdom of bad tastes. Bon apetit!

The Great TP Crisis of 2005

2005-05-31T01:52:00.000-07:00

Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com

Once upon a time in Finland, a little bunny was hopping through the snow. The young rabbit was romping merrily and not paying attention. Suddenly he crashed into a Polarbear hunkered down over a log.

The little fellow was so shocked to see the fierce bear there in front of him that he froze with fright. He did not know what to do or say.

The bear looked at the bunny and said in a deep low voice that shook the branches. "Do not be afraid little fellow. I want to ask you a question and then you may be on your way. Tell me little rabbit. Does shit stick to your fur?"

The little fellow burst into a grin and his eyes grew wide with delight as he answers the bear. "No, kind and wise old bear. I have personally never had to deal with that problem."

"Good! then this should not bother you." chortled the bear as he wiped his ass with the rabbit before wandering off happily humming a tune.

Free at Last

2005-05-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

Boing Boing: Chicago's Bean sculpture is free to photograph, at last

Citizen... step slowly away from that giant mirrored metal bean. We are the Photogrphy Police! Freeze and put down that camera and nobody will get hurt. Thank you for obeying all copyright laws while visiting our park and have a nice day.

Great Boggamighty! May the Farce be with You

2005-05-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

The Force is a Tool of Satan - Episode III ALERT!

Fanatics are the funniest people. This is definately a sign we are entering the Silly Season.

Wendy's finger given by man to settle debt

2005-05-19T12:23:00.000-07:00

Wendy's finger given by man to settle debt - Yahoo! News

Giving Wendy's The Finger

Man Settles Debt with Severed Finger

Ok! It now looks like the strange case of the human finger in the bowl of Wendy's chili has taken another turn. This one brings a whole new meaning to the term "pound of flesh".

Anna Ayala had claimed she found part of a human finger in a bowl of chili. Needless to say it did upset more than some people's digestive process. It appears that she got caught... My first question was: where did she get the finger?

She is in jail awaiting trial on attempted grand theft charges for the millions of dollars Wendy's International Inc. lost as a result of the negative publicity after her claim.She is also charged with conspiracy to present a false or fraudulent insurance claim. If convicted of all charges, she faces a maximum penalty of nine years and eight months in state prison.

The San Francisco Chronicle reported Brian Paul Rossiter, 36, of Las Vegas seems to have had a run of bad luck. Serious money problems, due to the loss of part of a finger in an accident at work provided the one crucial piece of the hoax.

Rossiter lost part of a finger when his hand got caught in a truck lift in December at the paving company where he worked with Anna Ayala's husband. Rossiter gave the finger to the husband of Anna Ayala to settle a $50 debt, the newspaper said.

Happy Belated Mother's Day

2005-05-10T03:06:00.000-07:00

A Happy Ending Dog Story

Here was an article that caught my attention today. I'm not too keen on excessive sentimentality but this did bring an ironic smile to these old lips. Nothing like unconditional love of a true mother, no matter what the species may be. The dog's actions speaks so much more eloquently to what some call the virtues of humanity than the baby's biological mother's actions ever did.

Stray Dog Saves Abandoned Baby

NAIROBI, Kenya - A newborn baby abandoned in a Kenyan forest was saved by a stray dog who apparently carried her across a busy road and through a barbed wire fence to a shed where the infant was discovered nestled with a litter of puppies, witnesses said Monday.

Weird URLs

2004-10-08T10:43:00.000-07:00

Some Sites From the Curio Shop

Not Fooling Anybody: Home

A chronicle of bad storefront conversions.

The penultimate source for what you need to stop worrying about culture going down the toilet and embrace urban sprawl. I was amazed to find several examples from where I live.
The AOLer Translator

Translate English into12-year-old AOLerese.
English is becoming a dead language online. The slovenly usage of u, r, y as words shows the downward spiral into gobbledegoop. Now there is help for those who want to type to the less spelling sensetive younger generation.
Aliens and UFO's

Exposing the Unfruitful Works of Darkness! nuff said...
Pernicious trans-dimensional alien demons are here and they are pissed. They have invaded Earth on a campain of terror and destruction. Beware! These critters are lusting after your eternal soul! ET phone home... TO HELL!
Bird Diapers Bird Leashes and Harneses!

New! Duck, Goose and Chicken Diapers Too!
Now there is help for those long-suffering legions of incontinent avians around the world. Better modern living through technology. And who said the age of miracles has passed us by?

Another Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

2004-10-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

Old Farts at Play on Anything Can Happen Day!

Its Wednesday boys and girls, and we know what that means! it's Anything Can Happen Day! Wednesday nights is the weekly game night for a group of old friends. We have got together nearly every week for the past 25 years to play games. Some of us have know each other since childhood. I have known some of them for 35 years. I have traveled and lived other places but I know that when I return the lost boys is still there.

Loving My Third Childhood

I am proud to say that I am now in my third childhood. In my first time as a child they told me to grow up. In my second childhood they told me to act my age..... But in my third childhood they just throw their arms up in disgust and say I give up.. Passing you the bag of pop rocks and grins...

Sonic Torture Chamber

We were listening to Q-101 at work and the Bad Music Monkey files were of the most amazingly bad performer I had heard since a street ummmmm performer/psychotic named Wild Man Fisher. The featured artist was Shooby Taylor. Shooby was a scat singer who specialised in working his instrument into gospel music. It is a jarring cocktail in the spirit of a lounge lizard rendition of the tune "I Want To be Sedated".

Even though he almost achieved brilliance in his opening of the tune "Why Me Lord?" His cover of the old Judy Garland song "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" would have anyone screaming Surrender dorthy in less time than it took me to type the words. He defines a new previously unknown level of suckage. It's so bad that they need a new word to define it. I'm just glad he never teamed up with Yoko Ono. So without further ado.. I present to you. Shooby Taylor - The Human Horn..

You Want Fries With That?

2004-10-02T01:32:00.000-07:00

I have spent much time wondering how humans are going to survive as a species in what has become an ever increasingly complex world. Here is some more evidence that we may not make it.

I was on the road late at night and needed a break to stretch my legs. Stopping at a truck stop I saw that there was an open Burger King. I stood in line waiting for my turn at the register. I placed an order for some Chicken Tenders. The kid behind the counter grunted and mumbled that it would take a while. I counted out the money and paid him with exact change. Silence decended as I watched the counter droid attempt determine I had given him enough money. He finially, muttered, "I guess that's right."

Then he looked at me and asked "Will that be for here?" To which I said to him "No it will not." He looked at me with a slightly puzzled expression and asked "well then sir, is it to go?" I looked him in the eye and with a smile I asked him, "Is there a third alternative Sparky?" to which he sort of went into a momentary trance, looked at me with that bewildered deer in the headlight look so many minimum wagers get and said "huh?" and shambled off to see if my food had cooled off enough for them to give it to me.

Warning!

2004-09-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

The Surgeon General has determined:

Large words and ideas may cause existential indigestion, serious anxiety attacks as well as conceptual constipation if taken in too large of a dose. If a cognitive thought process returns, please call your doctor immediately!

First Aid: Watch as much "reality" television as you can. Chronic cases of awareness may require intensive talk show convulsive shock treatments. In some tragic, nearly terminal cases Dr. Phil therapy even failed to sedate the patient.

I don't want to get off on a rant, but...

Ok I was reading another blog on the legally forced changes to public life by connected pathologicly concerned social engineers who will suffer sleepless nights worrying about my safety. I hate anyone telling me what I can or can not do. I am an old fart and I can make my own decisions thank you very much...

Another sure sign that it is time to thin the herd and flush twice is the battle to legislate out of existence anything that is considered harmful by those who think sheep are too bold. The struggle may not be based on malice, but on good intentions of a dimwitted patronizing group of bureaucratic babysitters.

Life for Dummies: chapter 37 p. 352

Part of the problem is we find ourselves in the middle of swarming season for a dangerous life form that is far worse than locusts or cicadas. We are in a plague of a voracious predator. The lawyer is the larval stage of a politician. The adult of the species spins webs to trap food for the larva to live on until it matures until they can run for office.

Another part of the problem is a collective paradigm shift away from the cultural icon of the self reliant Hero to the helpless, hapless, blameless victim. Heros are out of fashion these days, it requires accepting too much responsibility for our own actions for most ethical invertebrates.

I think that is why many have devolved into a new species: Homo Springaroidus. Those who are created to screw up, and then either go on televsion, or to court to show off their level of stupidity. No wonder they try to child proof the world. But that's just My opinion, I may be wrong... I am off to beat My head against a wall if I can find that damn helmet they made me wear.

In Search of Intelligent Life

2004-09-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

I don't want to get off on a rant, but. . .

Is Humanity the dominant lifeform on Earth?

No... I am not talking about that creepy dog telepathy thing that makes us pet them even when we have repeatedly told them to go away.

I mean the largest organism on the planet, generic suburbanite lawns. Look at the maneuvering we get from lawns, we feed them, buy it a drink, cut and comb it's hair. Then they make you Like it. We give and give, and what thanks do we get? Aliens coming to Earth looking for intelligent life would pick the lawn beast over humanity in no time at all.

While mowing the lawn I was struck with an amazing idea. Maybe the experts were wrong about crop circles. Maybe they are just advertisements for an alien landscaping company that was busted down on the road needing some quick cash to make repairs and pay for their constantly growing motel bar tab.

Then I had a sudden moment of angst! What if golf courses read like a declaration of war, or really bad erotica to them? Could we blame it all on malicious adolescent alien taggers defacing the Earth to avoid being zapped?

Ok! slow down there Sparkey... Deep breath... in... out... Maybe I got off on a rant there, maybe I was wrong... But I still withhold judgement till someone plays the rings of Saturn like a compact disc to see what it has to say.

Howdy Campers! Welcome to The Reptile Ranch

2004-09-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

I don't want to get off on a rant, but. . .

Listen Sparky Don't Get Me Started.

I seem to have developed a taste for the habit of spouting off about things that are bothering me. So I guess it was time for me to devote a page to storing all of my rants for other people to read and violently disagree with at their leisure.

You want objective? Hah! yeah, right! You want fair? sure you do... Well Spunky, if you are honestly looking for all those things, then you are definately in the wrong place!

Are You Confused Too Sparky?

Does the irony of the human condition just amuse you or send you out to spend all of your money on gallons of bottled water, shotgun shells and canned food?

Do you feel that Murphey was an optimist, and if he had grasped the true scale of the problem he would have been depressed? If you answered yes to both those questions all I have to say is get over yourself. But for the rest of you out there that have a functioning humor gland, welcome. Remember we are all in this mess together.

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Warning!

The Surgeon General has determined:

I don't want to get off on a rant, but...

Life for Dummies: chapter 37 p. 352

In Search of Intelligent Life

I don't want to get off on a rant, but. . .

Is Humanity the dominant lifeform on Earth?

Howdy Campers! Welcome to The Reptile Ranch

I don't want to get off on a rant, but. . .

Listen Sparky Don't Get Me Started.

Are You Confused Too Sparky?