Thursday, September 30, 2004


The Surgeon General has determined:

Large words and ideas may cause existential indigestion, serious anxiety attacks as well as conceptual constipation if taken in too large of a dose. If a cognitive thought process returns, please call your doctor immediately!

First Aid: Watch as much "reality" television as you can. Chronic cases of awareness may require intensive talk show convulsive shock treatments. In some tragic, nearly terminal cases Dr. Phil therapy even failed to sedate the patient.

I don't want to get off on a rant, but...

Ok I was reading another blog on the legally forced changes to public life by connected pathologicly concerned social engineers who will suffer sleepless nights worrying about my safety. I hate anyone telling me what I can or can not do. I am an old fart and I can make my own decisions thank you very much...

Another sure sign that it is time to thin the herd and flush twice is the battle to legislate out of existence anything that is considered harmful by those who think sheep are too bold. The struggle may not be based on malice, but on good intentions of a dimwitted patronizing group of bureaucratic babysitters.

Life for Dummies: chapter 37 p. 352

Part of the problem is we find ourselves in the middle of swarming season for a dangerous life form that is far worse than locusts or cicadas. We are in a plague of a voracious predator. The lawyer is the larval stage of a politician. The adult of the species spins webs to trap food for the larva to live on until it matures until they can run for office.

Another part of the problem is a collective paradigm shift away from the cultural icon of the self reliant Hero to the helpless, hapless, blameless victim. Heros are out of fashion these days, it requires accepting too much responsibility for our own actions for most ethical invertebrates.

I think that is why many have devolved into a new species: Homo Springaroidus. Those who are created to screw up, and then either go on televsion, or to court to show off their level of stupidity. No wonder they try to child proof the world. But that's just My opinion, I may be wrong... I am off to beat My head against a wall if I can find that damn helmet they made me wear.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

In Search of Intelligent Life

I don't want to get off on a rant, but. . .

Is Humanity the dominant lifeform on Earth?

No... I am not talking about that creepy dog telepathy thing that makes us pet them even when we have repeatedly told them to go away.

I mean the largest organism on the planet, generic suburbanite lawns. Look at the maneuvering we get from lawns, we feed them, buy it a drink, cut and comb it's hair. Then they make you Like it. We give and give, and what thanks do we get? Aliens coming to Earth looking for intelligent life would pick the lawn beast over humanity in no time at all.

While mowing the lawn I was struck with an amazing idea. Maybe the experts were wrong about crop circles. Maybe they are just advertisements for an alien landscaping company that was busted down on the road needing some quick cash to make repairs and pay for their constantly growing motel bar tab.

Then I had a sudden moment of angst! What if golf courses read like a declaration of war, or really bad erotica to them? Could we blame it all on malicious adolescent alien taggers defacing the Earth to avoid being zapped?

Ok! slow down there Sparkey... Deep breath... in... out... Maybe I got off on a rant there, maybe I was wrong... But I still withhold judgement till someone plays the rings of Saturn like a compact disc to see what it has to say.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Howdy Campers! Welcome to The Reptile Ranch

I don't want to get off on a rant, but. . .

Listen Sparky Don't Get Me Started.

I seem to have developed a taste for the habit of spouting off about things that are bothering me. So I guess it was time for me to devote a page to storing all of my rants for other people to read and violently disagree with at their leisure.

You want objective? Hah! yeah, right! You want fair? sure you do... Well Spunky, if you are honestly looking for all those things, then you are definately in the wrong place!

Are You Confused Too Sparky?

Does the irony of the human condition just amuse you or send you out to spend all of your money on gallons of bottled water, shotgun shells and canned food?

Do you feel that Murphey was an optimist, and if he had grasped the true scale of the problem he would have been depressed? If you answered yes to both those questions all I have to say is get over yourself. But for the rest of you out there that have a functioning humor gland, welcome. Remember we are all in this mess together.